Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*offers Batman cough drops*
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.