before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
This meeting could have been a cake
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.