Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
You Might Also Like
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Ape together strong
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
who will stop them
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy