I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Damn what did I do next
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?