started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
wait.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
LMAO.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!