{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
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Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.