[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Who called it baking and not making love
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”