[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.