I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?