After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
liiiiiiiiike
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’m calling the cops.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
when mom throws a party…
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please