lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.