ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton