This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
You Might Also Like
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone