Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
#Caturday
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT