[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
You Might Also Like
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
tis the season
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.