My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”