I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.