I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
You Might Also Like
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I am crying
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”