They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*