Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”