The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
He a real one for that
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.