I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work