[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
You Might Also Like
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
you stereotypes are all alike
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*pronounces surface like Versace*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Doggies just call it style.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.