“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.