God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.