I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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This why you should mind your business
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.