Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.