If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
🌱🌱🌱
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Lol
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.