Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers