No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You Might Also Like
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that