You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move