My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
life finds a way
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.