“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
You Might Also Like
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.