After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.