Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Still my favorite headline of all time:
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*aggressively waits in line*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies