If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
im getting some exciting spam emails lately