sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once