Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
You Might Also Like
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
moms in horror movies
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
The struggle is real
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.