Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
me and the Superbowl rn
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.