therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
The photographer’s assistant
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.