umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am