Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My current situation
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Hitlers gonna hitl
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired