Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
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Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
When can I start eating bats again.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.