Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
You Might Also Like
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.