Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Finally! 😈
My life coach traded me.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.