My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too