Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles