You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
why no one uses midhusbands
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm