A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Are we there yet?…
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.