The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
That lamp looks PISSED.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My dog ate my work from home.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
🙅🏻
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise